(I'm going to try using different colors to spice up my blog for a little bit!)
Today was another difficult day. I wonder when I'm going to hit rock bottom. Perhaps today was rock bottom - forgetting to go to lecture, coming to preceptor group meeting late. I really pray hard that I am not failing this clerkship. Please, a pass. I will never be more happy in my life just to get a pass. Honestly, the last time I was feeling this way was college during East Asian Economics after I flunked my midterm! (Please even a C, even a C!!!)
My roommate thinks that this is really just all in my head. She's convinced that all the things happening the past week/days have all been self-fulfilling prophecies. Perhaps she's right. You know, I'm not the kind of person to say never. It could be. Although, I'm trying my best to stay positive. It's just very hard.
I realized today how incredibly focused you have to be to go through a clinical rotation - without the 100% focus and mental power, you just fall further and further behind. I haven't studied for a good week and a half. It's just hard to muster up that energy. Someone had told me that a bad/rocky relationship will take a lot out of you 3rd year. It's true. A lot more than you can ever imagine. My dad says to just hold it out for another 8 days at most! He's right on. I counted and there really are just 8 days left! Incredible. Isn't it?
I wanted to do something crazy today (as in pick up the phone and call someone) but I didn't. Slowly, the "drug" is leaving the system. I think I'm withdrawing. Maybe that's why my mind has been so ill at ease recently. But, I'm OK. I'm learning to be a Zen master. Zen master and following the Tao.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Things I wish I knew before going to medical school
1. There are other ways to help people - just as meaningful as being a doctor. If anything, I think doctors are just putting band-aids (no pun intended) on real social issues!
2. "A life of a physician is a life of sacrifice" - in terms of time, family, money, fun, enjoyment and more
3. The long hours - even as a medical student and especially as a resident that you'll spend working
4. The hierarchy of medical school - and how eerily it recapitulates the social hierarchy and dynamics of baboons!
5. Expect bullying and abuse - I haven't had this much since elementary school
6. If you are not good at or don't particularly like to kiss-ass: don't go to medical school. Instead, open your own business and be your own boss!
7. Expect a major regression to being in elementary school: at least you could ask to go to the bathroom and you knew that you could eat lunch at noon. For surgery rotation: expect that people will not care whether you are about to fall over and die from hunger, or that you are going to get a UTI because you could not go to the bathroom. SURGERY = CRAZINESS
8. Being a doctor does NOT equal being a cash-cow. For some specialties, I suspect you can make a ton of $ (pre-tax!) but the pay is proportionate (with exception of dermatology, perhaps) to the pain of residency/fellowship and the pain of daily practice. Surgeons work long hours! And it's hard work standing on your feet for hours on end!
9. Medical school = ultimate "brainwashing" machine! OK. I'm going overboard, but seriously, you will be taught, practiced, and forced into thinking in a certain way, and only a certain way. If you flourish on creative thinking, you will suffocate. And you will have plenty of practice being arrogant!
10. I have a hard time thinking of #10, but let me try.... this what I say with grain of salt. I met a few really nice, really down to earth physicians who understand that I'm human and I have other interests/concerns besides medicine!
2. "A life of a physician is a life of sacrifice" - in terms of time, family, money, fun, enjoyment and more
3. The long hours - even as a medical student and especially as a resident that you'll spend working
4. The hierarchy of medical school - and how eerily it recapitulates the social hierarchy and dynamics of baboons!
5. Expect bullying and abuse - I haven't had this much since elementary school
6. If you are not good at or don't particularly like to kiss-ass: don't go to medical school. Instead, open your own business and be your own boss!
7. Expect a major regression to being in elementary school: at least you could ask to go to the bathroom and you knew that you could eat lunch at noon. For surgery rotation: expect that people will not care whether you are about to fall over and die from hunger, or that you are going to get a UTI because you could not go to the bathroom. SURGERY = CRAZINESS
8. Being a doctor does NOT equal being a cash-cow. For some specialties, I suspect you can make a ton of $ (pre-tax!) but the pay is proportionate (with exception of dermatology, perhaps) to the pain of residency/fellowship and the pain of daily practice. Surgeons work long hours! And it's hard work standing on your feet for hours on end!
9. Medical school = ultimate "brainwashing" machine! OK. I'm going overboard, but seriously, you will be taught, practiced, and forced into thinking in a certain way, and only a certain way. If you flourish on creative thinking, you will suffocate. And you will have plenty of practice being arrogant!
10. I have a hard time thinking of #10, but let me try.... this what I say with grain of salt. I met a few really nice, really down to earth physicians who understand that I'm human and I have other interests/concerns besides medicine!
Welcome all "I hate third year medical school-ers"
Yes! I officially hate 3rd year medical school. I don't hate medical school. I just hate 3rd year. Sometimes I say I hate becoming a doctor. Well...I don't, but I really detest the current system of training physicians. People told me how much they loved 3rd year. Either they were talking about 3rd year in high school, or 3rd year in college, or 3rd year surfing in New Zealand, OR they were on crack! Third year SUCKS! Period. When I started 3rd year, I heard of really mean/bitter residents/interns and I wondered why. I wonder no more...yes, going through the medical school system will embitter you and destroy your spirit.
1. I hate it because it is basically legalized bullying. There's an attending (the know-it-all), the resident (who may, may not be nice), the intern, and me (the wide eye, 'yes, sir' 'no, sir') 3rd year who is trying to learn medicine but must somehow know every minutia of detail about any disease that the team admits. You know it's hell when you have to serve so many "masters." Everyone has his/her own way/philosophy of doing things. How is it possible to please so many people at the same time? Like this morning...I never felt more bitter in my life: the attending kept cutting me off during my presentation because he/she was confused...but, really, had it not been for the resident who made me change my presentation, I would have gotten it right!! To add insult to injury, he kept jumping in to provide clarifications. HOWEVER, he never once even said...actually, you know, it's my fault....I made some changes to this presentation last night and that's why....Ah ha! Really, I would have had so much respect for this resident. BUT, the environment of med school and the whole medical institution is such that everyone is afraid of not being PERFECTLY PERFECT. And when shit hits the fan...medical students are in for the shit-fest.
2. I hate my attending. This particular one I really hate. I have loved some attendings dearly. They taught me and encouraged me and mentored me. When I made mistakes, they corrected me. But, they don't talk down on me. OMG. This current attending is someone who...(I can only imagine)...used to be that kid who was the teacher's pet from kingdergarten to 12th grade, who corrected everyone but in such a way that made them feel stupid and unworthy of even breathing oxygen, whose main mission in life is to make others feel inferior.
3. There's a lot of ass-kissing during 3rd year. It's true and it's rampant. And I hate it.
4. Is it just me or sometimes the residents and attendings even will make up things about their patients, the patients' families, and literally provide "quotes" that you know the patients nor their families did not make...because you spent an hour interviewing them, and because the attending provided that quote BEFORE she/he ever, ever met the family! One of the things that really bother me is how quickly residents/attendings will put a label on the patient/family or make a judgment them based on a brief interview. (SCREAM!) How can you pretend to know anyone after only talking to them for an hour! Yes, you know their medical stories (the ones that they choose to share with you) but how can anyone be so deluded and arrogant enough to pass judgments about other people is beyond me. This is why I want to go into the specialty that I will be going into (because I love it! yes) but also because I won't need to make such misguided judgments about the goodness or badness of my patients. I'll provide a diagnosis and that's it.
Why do I hate 3rd year so much:
1. I hate it because it is basically legalized bullying. There's an attending (the know-it-all), the resident (who may, may not be nice), the intern, and me (the wide eye, 'yes, sir' 'no, sir') 3rd year who is trying to learn medicine but must somehow know every minutia of detail about any disease that the team admits. You know it's hell when you have to serve so many "masters." Everyone has his/her own way/philosophy of doing things. How is it possible to please so many people at the same time? Like this morning...I never felt more bitter in my life: the attending kept cutting me off during my presentation because he/she was confused...but, really, had it not been for the resident who made me change my presentation, I would have gotten it right!! To add insult to injury, he kept jumping in to provide clarifications. HOWEVER, he never once even said...actually, you know, it's my fault....I made some changes to this presentation last night and that's why....Ah ha! Really, I would have had so much respect for this resident. BUT, the environment of med school and the whole medical institution is such that everyone is afraid of not being PERFECTLY PERFECT. And when shit hits the fan...medical students are in for the shit-fest.
2. I hate my attending. This particular one I really hate. I have loved some attendings dearly. They taught me and encouraged me and mentored me. When I made mistakes, they corrected me. But, they don't talk down on me. OMG. This current attending is someone who...(I can only imagine)...used to be that kid who was the teacher's pet from kingdergarten to 12th grade, who corrected everyone but in such a way that made them feel stupid and unworthy of even breathing oxygen, whose main mission in life is to make others feel inferior.
3. There's a lot of ass-kissing during 3rd year. It's true and it's rampant. And I hate it.
4. Is it just me or sometimes the residents and attendings even will make up things about their patients, the patients' families, and literally provide "quotes" that you know the patients nor their families did not make...because you spent an hour interviewing them, and because the attending provided that quote BEFORE she/he ever, ever met the family! One of the things that really bother me is how quickly residents/attendings will put a label on the patient/family or make a judgment them based on a brief interview. (SCREAM!) How can you pretend to know anyone after only talking to them for an hour! Yes, you know their medical stories (the ones that they choose to share with you) but how can anyone be so deluded and arrogant enough to pass judgments about other people is beyond me. This is why I want to go into the specialty that I will be going into (because I love it! yes) but also because I won't need to make such misguided judgments about the goodness or badness of my patients. I'll provide a diagnosis and that's it.
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